


loving you really does hurt but i wouldn't have it any other way

by hrhpaige



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Hypersexuality, M/M, Manic Episode, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Sex, warning: contains dubious consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-13 22:58:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17496986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hrhpaige/pseuds/hrhpaige
Summary: Isak's second experience with Even's bipolar disorder and he wants to be there for Even, physically and emotionally. Even if it means he needs to suffer just a little bit.





	1. baby i will slip from reality with you

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone :)
> 
> Disclaimer: I myself am not bipolar so whatever I have written about the manic episode is based solely on research so please let me know if I had anything information incorrect and I will fix it immediately. Thank you.
> 
> This is my first time ever writing about Evak on this website and posting it publicly so I am kinda scared but I am open to any comments (please be civil). I have some ideas about how I want to continue this but I'm not sure so please let me know. I really want to at least write another chapter about when Even falls into the depressive episode since this is something I am much more familiar since I do suffer from depression. 
> 
> Also English is not my native language so please kindly ignore any silly mistakes I made grammatically. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

Sore

Overstimulated

Breathless

If you ask Isak right now how he is feeling and if he is to answer you honestly this will be his answers. Which is surprising to Isak because he never thought sex with Even wouldn’t involve pleasure. But the pleasure was long gone maybe since 2 hours ago but then again he has lost the notion of time as he is drowning in heat, sweat and _Even, Even and Even._

“Isak...I love you” Even whispers softly against his ear and bites it lightly. Everything is soft and gentle and if it isn’t for how rough Even was last round, Isak would have enjoyed this.

But he can’t. Not when this is the 4th time of the night and it won’t be the last, Isak knows this already.

He can feel the old cum seeping out every time Even thrusts into him and it feels almost disgusting. _Too much. This is too much._  Isak thinks as he whimpers out to Even: “I-I love you too baby.” Isak’s mind is clouded and heavy, his back glistening with sweat and dried cum from the first time when Even came on his back.

_He’s slipping again. This is not normal._

Heaving heavily, Isak arches his back more, hoping the action would please Even and makes him come faster and it works.

“Shit baby… I’m gonna come.” Even gasps and he plunges one more time deep inside Isak and released before falling on Isak’s back and kissing his nape. Isak can feel his boyfriend’s heart pounding loudly against his skin, matching his own heartbeat as he drowns in that too.

Slowly turning over on his back, Isak pushes Even out of him and hissed as he does so. He didn’t come. He couldn’t. He has already come twice and was too exhausted to get hard for the third time.

But Even doesn’t notice.

Even quickly scoots closer to Isak, not having a care about all the sweat and cum on their bodies and drags a limp Isak into his arms. Isak is too drained to resist and he can’t help but fall into the comfort of Even’s arms.

But as Isak slowly comes to his senses and his breathing is slowing down, he can't ignore the dried cum that is sticking his back to the sheet and the wetness which is leaking out his body. Slowly untangles himself out of Even’s embrace and tries to ignore Even’s grumble at the lack of touch, he stands up weakly and whines at the aching pain all over his body. Making his way to the bathroom, he closes the door not wanting to let the light out for Even to see. _Maybe he is tired now and he will sleep, it is better for him to not see any light now_ Isak thinks, walking past the full-sized mirror heading to the shower when he stops abruptly at his reflection and looks at a strange yet so familiar figure staring back at him.

Looking at the man in the mirror, Isak almost can't recognize himself. Light bruises around his waists and neck, hickeys scattered on his chest and bite marks all over his thighs. These marks weren't there just a few hours ago but now it is impossible for Isak to move even a little bit without feeling the throbbing sensation all over his body. It isn't that they have never had rough sex before and Isak knew that he has always loved the rough side of this always so gentle Even but this… _this is different_. Whenever they were in the mood for something more than vanilla, Even would always take care of him and gave the best aftercare with soft kisses and whisper sweet nothings into his ears, telling him how amazing he was and how Even was so happy and lucky to have earned Isak ‘s trust to be able to do this.

But not today.

Isak moved his fingers, lightly touching all the marks and shivered at the slight pain as reality was settling down on him.

Even is manic

He should have noticed sooner, all the signs were there but this is only the second time he has ever been with Even while he was manic, the first time ended in tears, heartbreaks and promises.

“Minute by minute”.

The fact Even has spontaneously decided to skip work and stay at home to watch all of Baz Luhrmann’s movies should have been more than obvious. Maybe even more obvious would be the fact that while watching the movies Even talked nonstop and constantly gave away his comments to Isak and when Isak walked to the kitchen to get some drinks Even just continued to talk to himself. If it wasn't clear then, it is definitely crystal clear now.

Reaching up for the medicine cupboard, Isak carefully opens it not wanting to make any sounds that will wake Even up (if he is sleeping) or indicate that he is checking if Even has been taking his meds or not. He knows that Even doesn't like to be controlled and Isak doesn't want to be seen as “the second Sonja”. The meds were distributed in advance in a pill case so Even can take it daily easily and remember that he has taken the meds or not. And from what Isak is seeing, Even did take all his pills. Even has talked to him about this, about how while lithium helps keep the episodes under control and most of the time it works but then sometimes it just doesn’t. _So this is what it is like when it doesn’t work_.

Isak sighs and closes the cupboard. There isn’t much for Isak to do that can help Even, he knows this. The best thing he can do is to be with Even and keep him safe while he is manic and comfort him when the depression settles in.

Feeling like he has been in the bathroom for too long, Isak steps into the shower and cleaned his aching body before drying himself and wraps a towel around his waist. Walking out of the bathroom, Isak wishes to see a sleeping Even waiting for him, at least that means the manic is coming to an end.

But there Even lies, with his hand wraps around his cock, stroking himself slowly and stares into Isak’s eyes and breathes out.

“Isak baby I need you”

Isak closes his eyes, tries to control his emotions before moving back to bed and lets his bruised body fall under a very excited Even as he thinks to himself.

 _Minute by minute_.


	2. maybe it is not so bad to hope.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after when Even falls into depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone
> 
> So this is the second chapter and also the last one of this fic. This time I wrote it from the perspective of Even when he falls into the depressive episode the morning after. I want to write from Even's side because I want to write it subjectively. I left the fic with a somewhat open ending because I want the readers to imagine by themselves how the future will be like for Isak and Even from this fic of mine. Whether they will be able to stay together through everything or they will break up at some point when all the pain and suffering outnumbered the joy, whatever it is I hope the readers can imagine and decide for themselves. Please comment and let me know what you think the future will be like for them and what you think about the chapter personally.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and please kindly ignore any silly mistakes I made grammatically.
> 
> Thank you.

Even wakes up to this particular feeling of heaviness that he has grown to know immediately. It’s the feeling can only be described as “head filled with fog”. Everything seems saturated and there is a ringing vibration within his head, drowning out the sounds of everything else. Looking around the room, he finds it empty, Isak is nowhere to be found but he can hear the coffee machine working in the kitchen.

 _I should get up_ , Even thinks but his body can’t seem to move. Has it always been like this? Is it always this hard to move any limps at all? Even thinks he should have gotten used to this by now, but then again depression is cruel and merciless and no matter how many times he has fallen into its embrace, he can never get used to it. The scariest part is that it’s so familiar that he even feels safe somehow here, in the embrace of this cold and lonely mental state.

 _Maybe I can just stay here fore-_ His thought was interrupted by the sounds of the familiar footsteps approaching.

Even hears the door open and the room starts to fill with the scent of roasted coffee and _Isak._

“Hey, you woke up. How are you feeling?” Isak sits down on the bed and leans down to kiss his forehead. Isak’s lips feel soft and warm from the coffee and it makes Even sadder somehow. _Isak I'm trapped again._ Even wanted to call out but he can only utter lies. “Fine. I feel fine.” Even turns and look up only to see Isak’s smile, a sad one. _Isak knows; of course, he knows._

“It’s okay. You’re ok now” Isak whispers softly and strokes the hair on his forehead away. _Now? What happened?_ Even can’t help but notice that stress on the word. Even sits up slowly and takes a good look at his boyfriend.

Bruises and marks scattering around Isak’s neck and suddenly the blurry memories of the night before starts to rush back into Even like a flash. _This is the work of a monster, I am that monster._ Even whines at the thought and he reaches up, wanting to touch those bruises, wanting to wash them away, to erase it but Isak quickly catches his hand. Bringing his hand up a little further, Isak kisses his hand lightly. “Don’t worry. It doesn’t hurt, I'm ok.” Isak says as he kisses each and all of his fingers. And Even just feels worse and worse, Isak is still here, accepting him after all of that, after everything he has done to him Isak is still here and he is even kissing the hand that caused him pain. Even can’t stop his tears from falling as he breaks down into pieces.

He is falling into the pit of guilt and fear, the pit that he has created by himself and he lets it happen. He wants to be consumed by his sins, he deserved this _I deserve this, I deserve this, I deserve all of it, let me fall, let me be gon-_

“Hey now.” Isak pulls him closer and hugs him tight, once again interrupting his thoughts. “Don’t drown in that little head of yours. We’re ok baby, I promise.” Isak says oh so sweet, rubbing circles on his back comforting him. “You don’t deserve anything baby.” Isak kisses his hair kindly and it hits Even that he was speaking his thoughts out loud.

“We will make this work ok?” Isak cups his face, forcing him to look into those glazy green eyes. The color that he has fallen in love to the very first time he saw it. “Can we really though?” Even looks back sadly.

“Of course.” Isak leans closer and starts kissing every part of his face.

“All we…” Isak kisses his forehead

“have to do…” Isak kisses his eyes and cheeks

“is taking it…” Isak finally reaches to his lips and Even breathes out at the same time.

“Minute by minute.” they say in unison.

  
  


 

 


End file.
